Conflicted

Well, hello there, blog.  Its been a while.  Sheesh.  Could life just slow down for a minute or two?  I'm still running-running-running from one place to another.  School, tutoring, ZUMBA!, home...repeat (except its not every day, just enough days to make me feel exhausted).  I'm afraid I'm either going to burn out, or be so tired that, in trying to do too much, nothing is actually going to get done WELL.  Then there's the fear that, as has happened in the past, my body will revolt against all this running around and shut itself down, making me so sick I *can't* do anything, even if I wanted to.

Sigh.

So anyway, obviously I am still tutoring my homebound student and waiting word on whether I got the other tutoring job at a local middle school (its a federally funded after school tutoring program that would REALLY help financially!).  The eight furlough days the county is forcing upon us because of budget deficits has really got us in a tight spot.  I am the sole provider, and Chris stays home with the kids.  We don't have the added cost of daycare or anything, and in the past, my teacher's salary has been more than enough to get us through, but with no pay increases (like before, when your years of teaching experience would earn you an increase in your pay grade) and now furlough days (which is costing me personally @ $2K off of my check!), things are tight.  Chris has started going through our books, DVD's, video games, etc and selling online.  He made @ $100 in the first week!  Not bad!!  So, between this thing he's got going on, my tutoring, and my regular salary, we're getting by...but I worry about the kids.  I worry that I'm sacrificing too much time with them in these early years...days I will never get back.  I'm exhausted, too, running from here to there, and when I get home, the hours I do get with my kids are mostly spent with me on the couch trying to be involved but really just wishing I could crash.  Ugh.  Not a good way to feel/be when your kids miss you all day long and you just need to be the mommy.  Yippee...more mommy guilt.  (As if I didn't have enough already.)

Blah.  I know its just for a short time, so I need to "man up" and just deal with it.  It won't be like this forever.  The economy sucks and EVERYONE is suffering...some SO much more than myself.  I need to get off my rear end and stop feeling sorry for myself.  It'll pass...it always does.  So there.  Enough of that.

My family is fantastic.  Have I mentioned that lately? 

Chris is the best husband.  He is so good to me and to the kids.  I am so lucky to have a husband who feels just as strongly (or stronger!) about having one of us home with the kids...and even luckier that HE is the one willing to do it!!  He takes such good care of them and understands my need for a break when I come home, even though he's been doing all the childcare every day and he definitely needs a break, too.  He's amazing.

I love the way Hannah adores me, follows me, says "mama" all day long.  Since I'm not here all day every day it doesn't get old or anything...I mean, yeah, sometimes I would love to cook in peace or just sit and watch TV or something, but really...she is so much more important than any of that stuff.  That little girl has a love tank that only mommy can fill, so its up to me to fill it daily and let her know how very, very special she is to me. 

Andrew is so smart...The other night as I was rocking him to sleep (yep, I still rock him every night), he recited the months of the year (in order!) and the days of the week.  I was shocked.  Then, one day last week he recited the Pledge of Allegiance.  Whoa.  Even though I am SO tired by the time the kids get in bed, I still can't resist when he asks me to read to him.  I love how he is so fascinated with books and is so eager to know just what each word says.  He still tells me he loves me and is not embarrassed to throw his arms around me and squeeze me tight no matter who's around. 

So yeah...ignore my whining and complaining.  Life is good.  I really don't deserve all this goodness...but I thank God for it every day.