Tired.

*Disclaimer:  If you can't handle the brutal truth about those "bad mommy moments" that we all have (whether we admit it or not) and are going to judge me for the perhaps too-honest things I might say in this post, you might not want to keep reading.  I have GOT to vent some negative feelings somewhere, and this is my blog, so I can say what I want.  Don't like it?  Don't keep reading.  'Nuff said...You have been warned.

It has been one.of.those.days.  Not sure if its the 11 hr days that are getting to me, the constant fighting/crying since the kids got home yesterday, or just the fact that school is starting and the stress is at maximum level, but I am in one helluva mood.  I am so tired.  Sick AND tired.

*I'm tired of the kids' bedtime routine taking nearly two hours.
*I'm tired of my house constantly smelling like sh!t because I have six cats, one of who refuses to crap in the litter box, and one who refuses to cover its crap when it *does* use the litter box.
*I'm tired of picking sh!t up off the floor four times a day because of aforementioned cat who refuses to take a dump in the litter box.
*I'm tired of my floors being constantly covered in a layer of Georgia clay, no matter how often I sweep and mop.
*I'm tired of my feet being caked in dirt because of the Georgia clay that gets tracked in by anyone and everyone (but mostly I blame the dogs).
*I'm tired of my bed sheets being a brown color because of my dirty feet.
*I'm tired of picking up 2,485 toys every night because Hannah simply MUST have every.single.toy out in order to play with anything.
*I'm tired of losing my temper and yelling at Hannah every.single.night because she refuses to just go the eff to sleep!  
*I'm tired of my husband sleeping in the guest room every night because the Doberman insists on sleeping beside me and I'm too much of a wimp to kick her out of the bed.  (Plus, I snore, so...)
*I'm tired of feeling like the worst mommy in the world.

I have a feeling this is something my kids will make for me one day...

Happy Pills

Time for complete honesty.  Here's what's up.  I had a really hard time after Hannah was born.  It was so bad that I mentioned it to my doctor at my 6 week postpartum checkup.  She prescribed Zoloft at that point and, two and half years later, I am still taking the stuff.  I have tried to stop cold turkey (BAD idea), and I've tried to wean myself off of it...Neither worked.  Lately I have had some pretty bad episodes of depression so I've sought out a Christian counselor to help me deal with the everyday stress of life but he can't really help with the medical side of things.  Today I went to see an MD who, in the mere 30 minutes I spent with him, helped me gain a whole new perspective on the medication thing.  So many people think its a sign of weakness that I have to take this medication daily but, as he put it, if your body needs a synthetic thyroid hormone - like mine does - you take it!  Apparently carrying and giving birth to a girl can mess with your seratonin levels.  (I didn't know that!)  If a person is predisposed to depression (and I believe I am), the hormonal changes can cause the brain to stop producing adequate levels of seratonin.  Also, my hypothyroidism can definitely contribute to depression, so its important for me to keep close tabs on my thyroid levels and keep my meds adjusted.  So here I am.  The doctor doubled my Zoloft dosage and wants to see me again in a month to see if things are better.  I feel positive about it and I hope that my sharing the honest truth helps somebody out there feel a little more normal.

Mother.Of.The.Year.

That's me.  Mother of the flippin' year.  I swear, sometimes I feel so inadequate and ill-prepared for the challenges my kids bring to the table every day.  Andrew and Hannah have both been super-cranky and whiny with Chris since I returned to school on Wednesday.  This, in turn, leads him to be super-cranky and whiny.  Fun times.  Last night was baaaad.  He was frustrated, I was tired, and in expressing his frustration, he made comments about how *I* ruined their schedules, *I* ruined their eating habits, *I* have spoiled them rotten and left him to clean up my mess.

OK, maybe that's not what he said, but its what I heard.  I started all this self-talk that included a lot of beating myself up over stupid stuff that really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

So anyway, this is where I kinda was proud of myself.  We've been sitting down and having 5 minutes of uninterrupted time together, just us (no TV, no computers, no kids, no music...just us, talking) and last night during that time, when Chris asked how I was doing, I told him.  I didn't wait for it to become a fight, I didn't let it fester until I exploded, I wasn't angry when I said it...I just told him.  I told him I felt like an awful mom, and yes, it was because many of the things he had said had come across more negative than he intended them to be.  At first he was defensive and thought I was being ridiculous because of course he didn't think I was a bad mom.  I think he finally realized that it didn't matter what he meant to say...it only mattered what I heard.  So anyway, he apologized and was very, very sorry for unknowingly making me feel that way.   I apologized for being oversensitive and all is well again.

 Don't get me wrong...I am still a very imperfect mom who makes a million mistakes a day, but hearing my kids tell me they love me, seeing their huge smiles when I come home from work, and hearing my husband reassure me that I am a good mama to his babies...That makes me feel better than any medication or chocolate in the world.

Christmas Crazy

So I'm on Christmas break now and things have already been just NUTS.  Saturday started off innocently enough...Chris and Andrew went to go see Tron with a bunch of guys from church and their sons.  I took Hannah on a mommy-date to Kohl's to finish up the Christmas shopping, then we went to lunch together.  I know she's only two and a half, but I really enjoy her company!  She loves the one-on-one time, and I don't blame her.  She came into this world competing with Andrew for our attention, so of course she loves getting us all to herself!  Anyway...so the morning went just wonderfully.  We had such a good time, and so did the guys.  When Chris got home, however, I was in the middle of trying to go through a bunch of receipts and bills that had been paid, but were just sitting waiting to be filed away.  I was almost done when the front of the file cabinet drawer came loose and a bunch of important papers started falling out.  I was trying to keep it all together and finish up what I was doing, the kids were running around alternately playing and fighting (as usual), and Chris was trying to eat some lunch while telling me it was time for the kids' nap.

I.lost.it.

I said words I haven't said in a long time.  Sure, I've thought them quite frequently, but I was doing well by resisting the urge to say them out loud.  I yelled, I cried, I spazzed out...I had reached my limit.  I was DONE.  Of course, Chris had to ask if I was taking my medication.  Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.

I spent the rest of the day in a bad mood.  I ended up staying home from church yesterday just to get some QUIET.  I desperately needed to be alone. I needed to spend time with God.  Funny how my life falls apart when I abandon my daily quiet time...also funny how I had to stay home from church in order to get the quiet time I needed.  Chris took the kids to church and I stayed home and talked to God.  I got myself sorted out and feel much better now.  I just needed a mommy-size time out.

Today Andrew is having a playdate with his BFF, Avery, and they are so funny to watch.  They fight over the toys one second, then share freely the next.  I am trying not to interfere, to just let them work it out on their own...For four years old, I think they are doing pretty well.


Tomorrow we leave for Alabama to visit Chris' family.  I'm planning on taking extra happy pills with me.

Stupid Stuff People Say

Some people should have censor buttons.  Or just keep their mouths shut.  Either way, the rest of the world wins.  A fellow mommy blogger wrote today about a stupid comment she got and it got me all fired up thinking about all the stupid judgey (is that a word?) stuff people have said to me before.  The two that follow are two in particular that really get me going.

First, I will respond to the comment this mommy blogger received a while back.  Apparently, after an honest and heartfelt post which mentioned her miscarriage long ago, a woman (I won't say lady) told her that god (notice I did not capitalize)  killed her unborn baby because of some horrible decision (sin?) she had committed in her past.

I'll let that sink in a minute.

OK, now that you are probably feeling the same shock and anger I felt after reading this, I will let you know that my God loves me.  My God loves her and him and you and them and everyone in this world.  My God created us for a relationship with Him based on love, not punishment.  Her god (little g) needs to take a time-out and get over him/herself.  Really, though, her god does not exist because if she thinks she is talking about my God, she obviously doesn't know Him.  She obviously believes in some kind of system of legalism and penalty for sin instead of the mercy and grace the true God gives.  People like her give my God a bad name because they assume she must be talking about my God.  Argh!

Secondly, and this has nothing to do with God, but I once encountered a judgmental mommy who hurt me deeply.  Here's what happened:  I was in the middle of the baby section of Wal-Mart when I stopped to compliment her on her beautiful baby wrap (I was an avid babywearer when the kiddos were teeny tiny).  She thanked me and told me how convenient it was for getting things done, especially since she was nursing.  Andrew was with me and only @ a year old.  She asked how long I had nursed, and if I was still nursing.  I shared that I never was able to nurse due to a breast reduction surgery I had done when I was in college.  She turned hostile and told me that if I had known that I couldn't nurse my child then I never should have gotten pregnant.

Again, I will give you a moment.

Yeah, it hurt.  Deeply.  Only God knows the amount of pain and grief and guilt I felt the entire first year of Andrew's life because I was not able to breastfeed.  I was tormented, seriously, and I believe that guilt had a lot to do with the severe PPD I suffered from.  I was just getting to the point in my life where I was getting over it and believing that I had done the best I could and Andrew's funny, sweet, smart little self was going to be just fine, despite the lack of breastmilk.  When this happened, I spiraled into a depression all over again but God surrounded me with amazing friends and family and I was able to realize that people like this woman just need to keep their thoughts to themselves.  And how many times had I myself spoken too quickly, not considering how my words might be hurtful?

People say stupid things, for sure, but so do I.  I can't be responsible for the things other people say before thinking, but I can do better about it in my own life.  I am trying to think carefully and choose my words wisely.  Lord knows I do not want to be the one making some crazy mommy blog about how I hurt her feelings. :)

Random Mutterings

I'm feeling rather random today...can I do a random post?  Sure, why not?  There's only like two people reading this stuff anyway, and you guys don't care.

Today Chris and I had a few hours together ALONE.  Know what we did?  Went to his doctor appt (follow up w/the GI specialist regarding Chris' colonoscopy), had an early dinner at Chili's, then went to the grocery.  We were home by 6 pm.  Party animals, I tell you!

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I hate bedtime.  Seriously, I look forward to it and I am so glad once the kids are down, but man...the whole process is SO exhausting.  I lose my temper (or come really close) almost every day.  Andrew seems to wait until bathtime to go completely crazy.  He jumps on the bed, wants to fight anyone and anything, and is so goofy its unbelievable.  I know he is just trying to make himself hyper so he won't/can't sleep, but it.is.getting.on.my.last.nerve.

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I wonder if I need to get my doc to adjust my Zoloft dosage.  Thinking back on my recent blog posts, I have been super-stressed and tired and short-tempered with my kiddos.  Maybe I need to try a different happy pill?  I started taking Zoloft when Hannah was 6 weeks old (for PPD) and have been on it ever since.  I tried to wean myself off once, but then I wanted to kill myself so yeah...that was a massive FAIL.  I probably need to go talk to someone.  I actually got a referral to a couple of counseling agencies when I went through that whole withdrawal-suicidal thing, but haven't been to see anyone.  I feel so guilty asking Chris for more time away from him and the kids.  He stays with them full-time while I teach school and he often keeps them while I escape for "Girls' Night Out" at least once a month, so I feel terrible saying, "Oh, hey, by the way...I wanna go get counseling.  Can you be here w/the kids so I can go?"  I mean, of course he would be there.  He would totally support this.  I just feel like a giant TOOL asking him about it.  But, yeah, it would be better than, you know, snapping at my kids every night.  Sheesh.

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I am so excited about getting back to work next week.  Six more days!  We have three days of pre-planning and then school starts on Monday, the 2nd.  I will be co-teaching 6th grade math this year and I am looking forward to it.  The girl I will be teaching with is a fantastic teacher but has never co-taught before.  I hope working with me doesn't make her hate the entire idea of co-teaching.  I know someone that happened to.  They had a really sucky co-teacher and have sworn off the entire concept.  Its a shame, because she is a fabulous teacher and could be really effective in that kind of classroom setting...she just got paired with a slacker who didn't do his job. 

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Okay, I think that's enough rambling for tonight.  I need to go take my happy pill now.

Mommy Guilt

I must confess, I've been a bad mommy...at least, in my opinion.  Last night was awful.  I was so D.O.N.E. with Hannah's clinginess.  Not only does she have to be completely naked to use the potty (see this post for more details on that issue), but she has to be on my lap, in my arms, or within 12 inches and in possession of my complete, 100% devoted attention or else she will rage like nothing you've ever seen.  This is why I am ready for the school year to begin! 

So, anyway, Hannah was in my lap (naked) at dinner.  We attempted to watch Marley and Me while we ate. (Don't judge; seriously, dogs are Hannah's favorite things and I thought MAYBE it would give me a minute to eat in peace.  No chance.)  She eats her food and at least half of mine, and is grabbing my face, my hair, everything.  I have had enough, and it is bedtime anyway, so I take her upstairs.  We do the whole routine:  brush teeth, read the Spot books, rock...then the screaming begins.  I can't understand what she's asking for, but she's pointing to her crib, so I put her in it so she can either lie down or find what she wants so badly.  This makes her scream LOUDER.  This is where I turn into Joan Crawford (remember Mommie Dearest?).  I feel awful.  I raised my voice to her ("What on earth do you WANT?"), I gave up and stormed out of her room, slamming the door...I was horrible. 

Chris came up to see what was going on and he ended up rocking her.  She kept asking for me, though, and that made me feel even worse!  I didn't hit her or anything (and I never would) but oh.my.gosh.  The frustration was ridiculous.  I guess I just reached my limit.  Thank God I have a wonderful husband who always steps in just when I need him most.  I can't imagine having NO support, no rescue...

So, yeah.  That's my confession.  In the light of a new day, I realize she was just as frustrated as I was.  She obviously wanted/needed something and when I couldn't understand what she was saying, she lost it.  Then I lost it because SHE was losing it.  Bad, bad, bad.

Has anyone been there?  Please share your "mommie dearest" moments...Am I the only one who loses my cool with their kids now and then?