Frustrated

I am so frustrated.  And sad.  And mad.
I know its normal for couples to argue and get stressed out over stupid stuff, but it seems like its happening to us all.the.time.  I need a freaking break.  I need to get away from everything, but there's no way that's gonna happen. 
I do stupid stuff (like accidentally letting the cats outside) and Chris gets mad because he worries that they might get lost or hurt or something.  He says stuff he doesn't mean, and I say stuff I don't really mean...and its a vicious cycle that just goes on and on.
Ugh.  We probably need a date night or something, but that ain't gonna happen anytime soon.  The kids demand so much of our time and energy and we have NO ONE to help us out.  We are both exhausted all the time.  I work all day with 100+ sixth graders and come straight home to my own 3- and 5-year-olds.  Chris takes a break as soon as I walk in because he's tired and needs a break (duh -- He's been with Hannah since noon, and picked up Andrew at 2:30ish).  I usually don't get a break until after the kids are in bed.  By that time I am so tired I just want to sit down (or just go to bed so I can start all over again the next day).
Its frustrating.  Our marriage is suffering because we're so busy and tired and stressed out.  At this point, though, I would rather have time by myself than a date night with Chris.  We're not getting along so if I'm honest, I really would probably not enjoy a date night.  Right now everything I do annoys him, and everything he does annoys me.  That's horrible to say, but its true.
We should probably go back to counseling, but when?  When do we have the time?  Or energy?   
I don't know.  I'm just rambling...I can't bottle stuff up or else it comes out in an explosion later on, so that's all this is.  Any advice/opinions would be great.  Or even just a "Hey, I've been there.  You'll get through it." would be nice.

Shutting Down the Baby Factory

This has been a decision that has been a long time coming.

During my entire pregnancy, while carrying Hannah, I kept telling Chris, "This is it. I am done.  I am shutting down the baby factory after this girl comes out."  He blew me off, thinking it was hormones or something...and at that point, it very well might have been.

During my very difficult labor w/Hannah (and eventual c-section), the thought crossed my mind that, while they were digging around in my midsection, removing my uterus and all, they might as well go ahead and tie my tubes...but since Chris and I had not had a serious conversation about that kind of thing, I didn't push it.

Hannah has been a difficult crazy intense child and nearly three years later, here we are having the discussion...and we're ready.  I've set my appointment. I'm having my Mirena IUD removed on Tuesday and having my consultation about the Essure procedure afterwards.  If all goes as I expect it will, I'll be setting an appointment to get the procedure done ASAP.  (In the meantime, of course, we're not stupid.  We will take precautions in order to prevent a "surprise" from happening.)

Why now, you ask?  Hannah is less than three years old...the Mirena lasts five years.  Why not keep that bad boy in there until it has to come out and then do something.  My answer?  The Mirena has some side effects.  I am not positive that some of the changes I've noticed in myself over the past few years can positively be attributed to the Mirena, but my intuition tells me its a big possibility.  The constant headaches, the absentmindedness (its almost like I have Attention Deficit Disorder, y'all!), and the total lack of desire for...you know...all of it is listed as a possible side effect of have the Mirena.  Yes, I do love that my periods are way shorter and lighter, but its so not worth it when you factor in all the rest.  Chris has been complaining explaining that he feels like an afterthought most of the time, and for the first year or two after Hannah was born I just thought he was jealous of the kids 'cause they were taking up so much of my time and attention...or maybe he was just being a big ol' baby and needed to "man up" and see that this is just LIFE.  Kids need their moms and sometimes the dad just has to wait for his turn to be babied.

While maybe a tiny part of that might have been the case, for the most part he was right. I see it more clearly now than ever before, but I see now that he is SO RIGHT.  (Yes, Chris, you might want to print this out...Here I am, writing it out in black and white...YOU ARE RIGHT.)  With the way my hormones are so whacked out, I totally think my brain has gone haywire and my priorities have been really screwed up.  I can't wait to get this thing removed so I can (hopefully) purge these hormones from my system and feel more like myself again.  Hormonal birth control is not for me...pregnancy is not for me...my life is full and happy and COMPLETE.  There is nothing more I want from my life.  I am ready to shut down this part of my life and move on.  I'm actually kind of excited.

When my hubby is sick...

So I'm home today with the kids today since Chris is sick. He's my childcare, so when he's sick, my childcare is out. I'm not feeling too hot myself, but whatever...
I know many of you have seen this video before, but I simply could NOT resist. This is my house...except I have two kiddos running around making way too much noise & way too much mess! Enjoy!

Reasons I love my husband

1.)  Rock Paper Scissors.
I love that we settle most of our disagreements with rock paper scissors.  I especially love that my hubby *never* wins.  Whether we're playing over who has to get their butts out of bed to let the dog out at the end of the night or who gets to change a stinky diaper, Rock Paper Scissors is always the go-to method for deciding who wins and who loses.  And I always win.

2.)  Crazy Nicknames.
Whether he's calling me Mean-Rude (long story), Baby Anna, or just Mama, I love that he has these sweet, funny nicknames for me.  Our relationship is still one of a deep friendship first and foremost, and he's not *just* "Daddy" to me.  He's my best friend and my Baby Chris.

3.)  Daddy Day Care.

I *love* that he is a stay-at-home dad...that he is even remotely willing to be a SAHD overwhelms me.  I have stayed home with the kids and its just not for me.  Its not for him, either, but his love and dedication to his kids has led us to this place.  It is so important to him to have one of us home with the boogers, and the fact that he is willing to be the one to be here at home with them...its just incredible.  He is so loving and caring with the kids, and seeing the way they love him *completely* melts my heart.  I respect and love him so very much, and I feel so deeply blessed that I married such a man.

There are so many more reasons I love this man, but I must say these are the top three.  I am one lucky lady.

Christmas Vacation

So tomorrow afternoon, at 4 pm, I will officially be on Christmas break (or "winter break" for the PC crowd out there).  I am so excited!  With all the stress from school, IEPs, final exams, failing students, tutoring students, etc., I am just D.O.N.E.  I need a break.  So does my hubby, God love him.  Chris has been dealing with exhaustion and has had some really bad dizzy spells over the past few days.  Its gotten so bad he finally made himself an appointment.  With a doctor.  This is serious, people.  I am hoping they figure out why he's having these dizzy spells so he can maybe get better soon.  I'm thinking maybe an ear infection?  So yeah, he needs a break, but dear Lord, so do I!

Believe me, I know that working is easier than being home with the kids all day, but teaching middle school special ed?  Its HARD, thankless work.  I do NOT sit around eating bon bons all day, no matter what some may think.  We also don't watch soap operas...but believe me, there is plenty of drama.  Working and being a mommy is hard because you don't get to just come home and crash...There's always someone needing you (and you need them, too!) and yes, plenty of housework to be done.  My priorities have shifted and I have learned to let the housework wait while I take time for the kids and myself.  It all gets done eventually...no harm in letting it sit for a day or two.  I'm blessed to have a hubby who lets me take time to go out with the girls every once in a while to be an adult and not just mommy.

Anyway...so tomorrow is the last day of school before the break and I am excited.  I'll be leaving school @ 10:40 to go to the kids' preschool to see their Christmas program.  Andrew is going to be the star (literally!  He's going to be the star of Bethlehem!) and Hannah is going to be a horsey.  This should be good, people.  Pictures and video will follow, you can be sure.  I'm supposed to send a dessert, so I'm sitting here waiting for the break-and-bake cookies to cool (hey, I never said I was Paula Deen) so I can put them on a plate and run upstairs as fast as I can so I don't eat them all.

Speaking of...I think they're ready. Off to bed I go!

Days 1-2 of the Challenge

OK, so if you didn't see my last post, I have decided to start this 30-day Challenge for wives.  (To read more about it, check this out.)  So day 1's challenge was to thank my husband for choosing me.  I am trying to remember if I've ever done this.  I'm sure I have, at some point, told him how lucky I am to be his wife, how happy I am to be with him...but I don't know that I've ever specifically thanked him for choosing me.  I mean, choosing me was a hard thing, I'm sure.  When we met I was still pretty much an emotional wreck with lots of baggage.  I had been through a long healing process and had actually not dated anyone for at least four years, so for me to jump back into a relationship was no small thing.  He was pretty special for me to even dare risking my emotional well-being with anyone after what I'd been through.  But the fact that he chose to stay with me, put up with all my insecurities, and stick it out with me...that's pretty amazing.
He chose me above all other women.  Our wedding vows were not taken lightly when we spoke them and they are not taken lightly even today.  We've been through some really tough stuff...miscarriages, post-partum depression (extreme at times), even hostile times when the last thing we wanted was to be together.  In the midst of it all, though, his commitment to me and to the kids has remained steadfast.  I know there have been times he probably wanted to run away, but he has chosen (and continues to choose) to stay here...to stay with me.  Wow. 
Day 2 tells me to thank my husband for his servant's heart toward me.  WOW, does this man ever have a servant's heart!  He is a stay-at-home dad (which is enough right there!) but he also does all the grocery shopping (with both kids in tow), works hard in the yard, and still manages to have plenty of time to run around with the kids in the backyard, taking hikes in the woods, or just watch them play so I can have a few minutes of quiet when I get home from teaching middle schoolers all day.  WOW.  Honey, if I haven't said lately...THANK YOU for all you do.  You are amazing.
Now, some of you might think that our marriage must be the best its ever been because of this challenge.  I am here to tell you that its not easy!  Satan hates that I am trying to strengthen my marriage by encouraging my husband.  He is making us want to bicker about the tiniest, most insignificant little things.  Chris and I have been irritable and touchy, and there have been moments when it has taken every bit of strength I can muster just to keep my mouth shut or just say "sorry" instead of blowing up out of defensiveness.  God has given me the self-control to do it, though, and I'm already seeing some good results.  I can't wait to see what happens in the days ahead!

Stormy Sundays

This is my very favorite kind of day.

We started the day with church, where I was challenged and encouraged by the awesome people around me.  I spent time with my God, alongside my husband, and this helped me focus on the coming week and what's important in life...I desire to end this day as a better person that the one I was when I woke up.

We had lunch with friends, enjoying their company and reconnecting with other adults because the chaos of daily life often interferes with our ability to connect during the work week.

We headed home and, on this particular day, the rain came.  We got home, hurried the kids inside where it is warm and dry.  We greeted our devoted dog and cats and got the kids upstairs to start the naptime routine.  We wrestled on the bed, brushed our teeth, and headed to our bedrooms.  I took Hannah and Chris took Andrew.  Hannah read her books, Andrew sang a few songs, and we all settled down for some football watching and/or a nice nap.  The rain calmed us and soothed us with the steadiness of the storm.  A few thunder claps here and there served to remind me of how small I really am, and how every breath I take is a gift from God.  I am overwhelmed by the love I feel for my husband and children, and I shake my head as I realize how undeserving I am.

There's no big event, no celebration going on today.  Just me, gaining more and more perspective on life.  you see, I lost a friend on Friday.  She was my age and she had a rare form of cancer.  She had fought for more than a year but was sent home from the hospital nearly two weeks ago after being told there was nothing more the doctors could do.  She was given just a few days, but lived ten more.  She and I were in the same church youth group growing up.  She was a dear friend then.  I lost touch with her after high school, when I moved away to college, then to seminary, then married Chris and moved to Georgia.  She left a loving husband and two children, a 12-year-old daughter and a 6-year-old son.  I can't imagine their pain, nor do I care to try.

So, today, I consider how short life really is, and how every day is a precious gift from God.  Especially stormy Sundays like this one.

Whirlwind

Whew!  Its Wednesday (hump day!) and the first three days of school have gone very well, if I do say so myself.  I didn't get home until 6 pm on Monday, then 5 pm yesterday and today.  I am hoping to get out earlier and be home between 4:30 and 5:00 most days...Chris is hoping for closer to 4:30, I know.  Poor guy is having a rough time adjusting because the kiddos are having a hard time getting used to mommy being gone all day.  My being home all summer was great for us...One of us could sleep in, the other got up with the kids.  Then whoever got us early with the kids would take a nap when the one who slept in got up.  NICE.  Yeah, I got a bit spoiled.  I'm already used to getting up early, though, and have been waking up about 2 minutes before my alarm would go off, so I guess that's a good thing. 

One goal I have for this school year is to come home, play with the kids, and immediately make dinner.  I am NOT a cook.  I can do frozen dinners, heat up a frozen pizza, etc, but I am not a cook.  I am going to try to be better, though, and so far its been going well.  Yes, I am only three days into it, but hey...we all have to start somewhere, right?  I've been taking the leftovers for lunch so that is definitely doing us a favor because I don't have to pay $2.50 for the school lunch that is just way too greasy, fried and fattening, despite what the "nutrition" information says.

Another goal for this year is to *try* not to come right in from work and jump right into cleaning the house.  My house is usually in chaos, being that I have two children who have way too many toys.  Don't get me wrong...Chris does a great job as a stay-at-home-dad!  He is just fabulous.  When I come home, the kids are alive, happy, healthy, and have had a great time.  Most of the time.  He does a better job than I do.  The house is not always clean, however, and my compulsion is to come in, pick up toys, empty/reload the dishwasher, etc...but honestly?  When I am old and the kids are grown and have moved out, am I going to look back on these days and wish my house had been cleaner?  Ummm, no.  I am going to wish I'd played with them more, colored/painted/played with Play-doh, dollies, action figures, just a few minutes more.  I'm not sure how well I have done these past few days, but I am trying to do better about that.

Chris and I are both anxious about the kids getting back to preschool in a couple of weeks (they start on August 16) because they are so stinkin' bored at home.  They desperately need to run around outside and be with other kids so they stop driving each other nuts.  Chris would take them outside during the day except today it is SO.VERY.HOT.  Today the temp was 100 degrees and the air was so thick with humidity it was not even funny.  Can't take these little ones out in this weather.  Hannah has had a summer cold and has been fussy and running a low grade fever the past couple of days (not constant, just at night) so she hasn't been sleeping well.  When she doesn't sleep well, we don't sleep well.  Its been rough.  I don't know how Chris does it, but I am so grateful he does.  He's my hero.
So anyway, that's the whirlwind that is our life these days...Is it any wonder that some days we consider just giving the kids Benadryl for dinner? :)

Random Mutterings

I'm feeling rather random today...can I do a random post?  Sure, why not?  There's only like two people reading this stuff anyway, and you guys don't care.

Today Chris and I had a few hours together ALONE.  Know what we did?  Went to his doctor appt (follow up w/the GI specialist regarding Chris' colonoscopy), had an early dinner at Chili's, then went to the grocery.  We were home by 6 pm.  Party animals, I tell you!

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I hate bedtime.  Seriously, I look forward to it and I am so glad once the kids are down, but man...the whole process is SO exhausting.  I lose my temper (or come really close) almost every day.  Andrew seems to wait until bathtime to go completely crazy.  He jumps on the bed, wants to fight anyone and anything, and is so goofy its unbelievable.  I know he is just trying to make himself hyper so he won't/can't sleep, but it.is.getting.on.my.last.nerve.

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I wonder if I need to get my doc to adjust my Zoloft dosage.  Thinking back on my recent blog posts, I have been super-stressed and tired and short-tempered with my kiddos.  Maybe I need to try a different happy pill?  I started taking Zoloft when Hannah was 6 weeks old (for PPD) and have been on it ever since.  I tried to wean myself off once, but then I wanted to kill myself so yeah...that was a massive FAIL.  I probably need to go talk to someone.  I actually got a referral to a couple of counseling agencies when I went through that whole withdrawal-suicidal thing, but haven't been to see anyone.  I feel so guilty asking Chris for more time away from him and the kids.  He stays with them full-time while I teach school and he often keeps them while I escape for "Girls' Night Out" at least once a month, so I feel terrible saying, "Oh, hey, by the way...I wanna go get counseling.  Can you be here w/the kids so I can go?"  I mean, of course he would be there.  He would totally support this.  I just feel like a giant TOOL asking him about it.  But, yeah, it would be better than, you know, snapping at my kids every night.  Sheesh.

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I am so excited about getting back to work next week.  Six more days!  We have three days of pre-planning and then school starts on Monday, the 2nd.  I will be co-teaching 6th grade math this year and I am looking forward to it.  The girl I will be teaching with is a fantastic teacher but has never co-taught before.  I hope working with me doesn't make her hate the entire idea of co-teaching.  I know someone that happened to.  They had a really sucky co-teacher and have sworn off the entire concept.  Its a shame, because she is a fabulous teacher and could be really effective in that kind of classroom setting...she just got paired with a slacker who didn't do his job. 

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Okay, I think that's enough rambling for tonight.  I need to go take my happy pill now.

Is it August yet?

Call me crazy, but I am ready to go back to school!  I love my kids, I've had a great summer with them, but between Hannah's separation anxiety and both of the kids' newfound level of sibling rivalry, mommy needs a break.  I'm sure Chris needs a break, too, and I know he is not looking forward to having them all day every day while I work, but honestly...they behave much better for him than for me.  For some reason, it seems they function better with one parent than with two.  A friend of mine, after listing to Chris and me vent about this very thing, suggested that maybe its because they know where the line is with Chris, and they know where the line is with me, but when we are together, they are just not sure about where the "line" is.  Maybe he is right.  There are definitely some things Chris lets them do that I do not, but most of the time, I am the one who is too lax, too permissive, and gives them maybe a little too much freedom. I always thought (before I had kids and had NO clue what parenting was actually like) I would be the disciplinarian parent and Chris would be the "good guy" - the playmate, the easygoing dad.  Turns out its the opposite.  Something we should talk about and work out, for sure.

Anyway, here I am...ready for school to start!  I love seeing the school supplies out when we visit Target or Wal-Mart.  I love the thought of a brand new year, a new start, new students, all the great possibilities.  Yes, I am a dork, but hey...that's me.  I love teaching.  Like parenting...some days are bad, but most days are good.  All in all, I love my job and wouldn't/couldn't do anything different, and I just don't see what is so wrong with that. :)  I love my kids, believe me, but by the end of the day I am all "touched out" from my velcro baby girl and all talked out by my motormouth son.  I feel like I am much better wife and mom when I am able to get out and do something different, be around adults, etc.  Granted, there's not a lot of time to talk to other adults when you are so focused on teaching the kids, but still...there's before school, lunchtime, and after school.  Its nice.  I love my principal, love the people I work with...couldn't imagine a better place to teach.  When I come home from school, I am engaged with my kiddos and feel like my time with them is more "quality" time, whereas by this point in the summer, its just "quantity"...Also, when I am working, I feel like I am a much better wife because I can talk to my husband and I'm more interested in his day because I've been away from him, whereas during the summer we are together all.day.every.day.

Maybe this tirade is just my way of easing my guilt over being a working mom, but whatever.  If you think I'm terrible for working outside the home, please don't let me know.  I am much too sensitive. :)  If you understand and can help me feel better/more normal for wanting (needing) some time away from the kids, then go for it!  Thanks for reading!